Watching it Burn

I googled my ex today (God, this already sounds like an AA monologue). The Ex. And only partly because Facebook has been throwing him in my face on a weekly basis for months. YES, I’M FUCKING SURE I DON’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE MAN WHO RIPPED MY HEART OUT AND LIT IT ON FIRE. But, speaking of fire.

I know that he lives in San Diego. And nearly all of San Diego is literally on fire. Part of me just wants to know he’s safe. The more curiouser an stalker-y part of me wants to know if he’s been evacuated. Because if he has, he may be staying here in town. And that means we might run into each other. DEAR GOD SAVE ME IF THAT HAPPENS.

I just need some information. Because before he ripped my heart out, it was his for four years. Still longer than anyone else in my life. Still longer than my husband. And that love that we had, that crazy-always-ending-and-never-ending-at-the-same-time love is completely different from the grounded-and-sane-and-totally-normal love that I have now. It’s like night and day, honestly. That crazy love is not what I want or need or feel fulfilled by; but it is part of me.

I have rarely talked about this or compared my feelings because I don’t want to risk making my husband feel like I am comparing him or like there was ever someone else for me. But this is my truth. And, at one time, there was someone else. And that’s never going to go away completely. This is the way I’ve always dealt with things, the only way for me to really release these thoughts and stop letting them affect me.

I still feel guilty for writing this. For feeling the need to Google in the first place. Because my husband doesn’t have a previous love in his life. He’ll never relate to how I’m feeling. He’ll simply feel jealous. But that doesn’t discredit my feelings.

In the end, I didn’t find out anything. I don’t know if he has been or will be at all affected by the fires. Either way, it doesn’t really affect me. Curiosity just got the better of me. Because when I thought I might find something out before I started all of this, I felt like it would change something. But it didn’t.

My lesson: It’s okay to care. But it’s also okay to just let it go. Because there’s nothing I can do about that situation, and it doesn’t affect me. If something happened that really would affect me, I would find out. The universe would bring that to me. Until then, I’m going to worry about watering the green, green grass (that’s not burning) on my side of the fence.

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