The Last Hurdle

Now, I am so incredibly happy with SC. So incredibly happy. But whenever a song comes on or movie talks about missing someone, about missing someone so much you feel a pain you can’t even describe, that’s when I think of The Ex.

I get a lump in my throat. My heart starts racing. I get chills up my spine. Tears well up. And I actually feel a pain in my heart. It’s as if you’re completely out of shape and you’ve just been told you have to run a mile without stopping. And somewhere in the middle of that mile, your heart just feels like it’s going to give up. Like you’ve exhausted it. I’ve exhausted my heart.

And honestly, I’m not even sure that it’s because I miss him so much or if my mind is just conditioned to feel that when I think of him. I don’t feel any happiness when I think of him. And that makes me feel worse. I can’t even send him little waves of joy when I think of him. All I feel is hurt. Guilt. Sadness. Physical and emotional ache. Stress. All I feel is bad.

This is the last hurdle. The last thing I need to put this man behind me. Will I always feel this hurt? Or will it fade with time, but never leave me completely? Or is there something that I can do, something to heal my heart once and for all?

I’m ready to be healed, so that I can always feel as happy as SC makes me.

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