Spilling My Guts and Finding Out What it Means

I’m finally ready to go back to school.

There. It’s out. I can’t take it back. I’d like to start in the fall, though I know I’ve probably put it off for too long and missed a deadline. Aside from taking a class here or there with no real consequence or degree of difficulty, I haven’t been in school for over three years. I could have been done by now, people!

This, added with Brandy’s post on teachers, has inspired me to finally get my shit together. But the reason that I’ve really put it off for so long is that I’m afraid to choose my next step. What do I really want to do?

I’ve always always ALWAYS wanted to be a jr. high school psychologist. That specific phrase has rolled off my tongue so many times I don’t even know what it means to me anymore. I was incredibly inspired by my school psychologist in junior high and I’ve always wanted to replicate his program. I even directly related these goals to my senior project in high school. And I was still convinced that it was what I wanted to do. So I went and got an AA in Arts & Sciences (because my CC didn’t have Psychology as a major).

But now, I’m not so sure. It’s just that I’ve changed. I’ve learned a ton more about life and while I know that in a perfect world this is exactly the kind of thing I’d love to do, I also know that we don’t life in a perfect world. First, I’d have to find something to establish my career after my B.A. and while continuing my M.A. The likely path, and one I’d ideally love, would be teaching. But teaching is hard, yo. And teaching in California? Nearly impossible on a thousand different levels. I know it would be fulfilling for me, but I also know that I feel like I’m setting myself up to have the soul sucked out of me. I don’t want to go into a degree program feeling like after it’s all over, the only things I’ll be left with are enormous debt I won’t be able to pay off with my chosen career AND I can look forward to getting my soul sucked as well.

Honestly, I’d continue on this path without further introspection if not for this little piece of me that’s nagging to look another direction. I’ve been dipping my toes in the wading pool of online communities for about three years now. I think my entire perspective changed when I went to BiSC for the first time in 2009. Since then, a small part of me has always been drawn to community management and social media. I could rock that shit. But, you know what?

I’m so incredibly scared of changing my life course. What will my family think? Will I be seen as a flip-flopper? Will it take me longer to complete my BA? Honestly, I know that these are kind of irrational questions. None of these things really matter as long as I come out of it happy. 20-somethings are always changing their minds, right? That’s what being young and living and LEARNING is all about.

I give myself good advice sometimes. All it takes is a little writing, getting it all out of my brain and slightly more organized. Suddenly everything becomes so clear. As you can tell, my gut is telling me to do one thing: to alter my goals. But my fear is holding me back.

I feel like this is a huge step, just getting all of this out there for myself. Now I know where I stand. And it’s not in education. I definitely don’t have a desire to be in school for the rest of my life. I’m ready to put my big girl panties on.

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