Settling.

 

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Yesterday, I posted that quote on instagram. I feel a lot of mixed emotions about this. There are so many things that I want out of life. I want more than just this  stupid, single-minded town. I want more than to be stuck in a life that mirrors my parents. I don’t want to eat the same crap with the same habits that is killing people around me. I don’t want to settle in this life. And at least once a month, that feeling washes over me. Settling.

It’s not just wanderlust. It’s not just because I’m bored. It’s because I’ve always been told that I can’t do something simply because that’s the mindset of those around me.

You can’t have a job and keep up your grades. 

It would be too expensive for you to go to a University.
You’re going to Community College instead.

You can’t travel the world. How would you pay for something like that?

You can’t give up sugar, there’s sugar in EVERYTHING! 

These are the things I’ve been hearing all my life. I’ve never had much encouragement to follow any of my dreams, unless those dreams followed the path that my parents and grandparents had in mind for me. Now, I’m an adult. I can make my own choices and I can choose to change my path. But if I want a different life, what does that mean for my relationship?

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To live the lifestyle I want, I need a partner by my side with the same goals. I can’t live with someone who eats nothing but sugar-filled shit all day while I abstain. Do you know what kind of torture that would be? If you’ve given up sugar for June, you probably do. He agreed to follow me this month. To give up sugar and focus on eating healthier. He’s even doing some of the worksheets. But then I look at our bank account and see that he’s eaten out three times in the last seven days for lunch. I asked him point blank if he’d cheated. And he said no. I asked him if he was just playing stupid by pretending he didn’t know that there was sugar in almost everything at McDonalds. He didn’t respond. This morning, he admitted that he lied. That he had cheated on the diet.

I’m eating salads without dressing and steel-cut oatmeal with stevia and he’s eating McDonalds and Jack in the Box. I’m spending my free time driving 8 miles to Trader Joe’s when there’s a perfectly good grocery store on the corner and preparing my food for the following day. He’s sitting on the couch napping and going through the drive-thru at lunch.

Is this how it’s always going to be? Am I always going to be pressuring him to implement the lifestyle that I want while he’s comfortable living a stagnant life.  Are we always going to be fighting for the lives that we want to live, because those lives look different for both of us? Do we want the same things anymore? Did we ever want the same things? Is it fair for either of us to get married if we don’t want the same things? Can we work through that? Is that an obstacle we can overcome, or a fundamental building block of a solid relationship?

I don’t want to be married to someone who’s always going to hold me back from being the person that I want to be. I’m not okay with being stagnant.

But I love him with every fiber in my body. I want to make it work. I know that marriage is hard work. And I know that this is just another fight. And I know that some of this is “I’m making the hugest commitment I will ever make in less than 90 days” jittery/unsure feelings. But it doesn’t make it any less real or any less of a concern. Because this is the biggest commitment and I need to make sure it’s right.

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