Keeping it Simple.

sparkle

I’ve been writing in my private journal a lot lately. I started a journal again for my Stratejoy Joy Juice journal prompts, and continued that through my Holiday Council work (which I’m still working on!). But I read a post form Jenny Blake today that made me feel like I wanted to explore some of the ideas she presented within myself. And I don’t think that any of this is going to get too incredibly (read: embarrassingly) deep, so I thought I’d do some stream of consciousness journaling on the blog today! This is just another way I’m working to keep up my “Open Mind, Strong Heart, Healthy Body” Mantra I’ve been working on in 2013.

kissquestions

(That’s Keep It Simple Sexy!)

whatsworking

Not eating sugar was working, when I  was sticking to it. I was sleeping better, losing weight, in better shape, my skin was healthier, I had a clearer head and I wasn’t getting migraines. I was just feeling better overall. Since we’ve been slacking, I have felt an extreme sensitivity to sugar and I feel lousy all of the time. Basically every time I eat, it tastes SO GOOD and then my stomach starts to get upset and I get a headache.

Journaling privately is actually helping me a lot. I feel like I can get these feelings out that I maybe don’t want to share with anyone; things that I’m mulling over in my head that I’m not really sure I want to release into the world. It helps keep the feelings from building up inside me and then releasing like a volcano blowing it’s top. It helps me to write it out, but to know that the thoughts and ideas are still safe. You know, as much as I love my husband, there are things that a) I just don’t want to share with him, b) will probably hurt his feelings or c) he won’t understand. That’s want my journal is for.

Designing is working. Doing internship work is working. Social media stuff is working out really well.  Writing regular email letters to friends in an effort to stay “real friends” and not just “internet friends” is working out. All of those things make me happy.

whatisnt

Pregnancy prevention just is not working for me anymore. The more I try to make it work, the more hurt I feel. I honestly feel like every single day that I’m not pregnant is a struggle. t’s a heavy weight that I always carry. And with more and more people getting pregnant and having babies, it’s like I’m so happy for them, but even more sad for myself. I’m worried that I won’t be able to be strong for much longer. I’m worried that the type of depression I suffered with before is coming.

Going to work at the job that’s paying the bills everyday knowing that I could be spending my time doing things that make me much happier isn’t working. The sooner I can get my degree and get a job that’s actually worth my time, that makes my heart sing, the better.

failure  

Failure to me is not accomplishing what I set out to do. It’s an all or nothing kind of thing for me. If I start a project and never finish, I feel like I’ve failed. If I don’t finish in the time frame I thought I should, I feel like I failed. If I made a mistake, I feel like I failed.

I realize that this is pretty unhealthy to put all of these burdens on myself. I should be feeling like if I learned something or gained an experience, then I succeeded. However, the perfectionist in me doesn’t see it this way. Instead, I’m sending negative talk through my own head. Recognizing it is half the battle!

At the end of 2014, I will feel a sense of failure if something goes wrong with our house plans, whether that means we don’t get the house or the renovations don’t get done. I will also feel a huge negative weight if we are not starting a family in a year’s time. If SC does not have a better job by the end of the year, I will feel extreme pressure that we are not putting ourselves in the best position for the future.

success  

I succeed when I do what I set out to do. Every year for the past 3 years, I’ve set a goal to read 50 books. And every year, I’ve failed. The first two, I came REALLY close. I think I read 48 books one year. And I felt like I really failed. This year, I just knew it wasn’t in the cards. I let the goal go. And I feel better. As long as I don’t set a specific goal,  I feel okay about not achieving what I probably could have done.

At the end of 2014, I will feel like I succeeded if we were able to buy our house and renovate it enough to increase our resale value and our quality of life while we live here. 100% success WHEN I get my Bachelor’s degree, and if SC gets into the Correctional Officer program. I’ll also feel successful if we continue working on a better marriage and if I get pregnant with our first child.

regret  

I will regret it if we don’t start trying to get pregnant in the next month or so. I will regret it if I don’t continue limiting my sugar intake. I’ll really regret it if we don’t make life changes to our diet before our children start eating the same food we do (hint, that means from conception for me!) I’ll regret it if we don’t at least try to raise our own meat. limiting my children’s consumption of genetically modified foods and unnatural hormones is an extremely high priority for me. Starting good habits for our family will give them the best chance they have to be healthy and live long lives. I’d like to provide them with that to the very best of my ability.

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