I’m scared to say I’m sorry.

Now that I’m back to spilling my guts, I guess I’ll talk about another thing I’ve been struggling with for a while. I miss Eric. He and I were good friends while I was casually dating his best friend who was a complete asshole to me. He was the buffer man, the guy that I was stuck with while his friend was off flirting with other girls. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time together. But he was a punk rock kid with a 12-inch mohawk and spikes on the shoulders of his patched up jean vest. I wasn’t interested. Little did I know, he was VERY interested. He insisted that he take me out after his friend dumped me, little did I know that his friend had been encouraging him to “take me off his hands” for a while before that.

Before I knew it, I’d realized what a sweet guy he was and he treated me amazingly. He has always treated me amazingly. Even when we were only friends, I always felt like the only important person in his world. We dated a few times, and I loved him. I just wasn’t in love with him. He wasn’t the right guy for me. And I think it took him a lot longer to realize that than it took me. So I hurt him. We stopped talking for a long time. But eventually, we came back to friendship.

He moved in to my spare room for a few months. But he was having a hard time financially and that put an incredibly strain on our friendship. I wanted to help him, I wanted to talk him through it and figure it out. But I was the one taking most of his money every month for rent, so I couldn’t be that person. And when I was lying to my grandpa and getting caught up in his mess because I thought I was helping him, I ended up resenting him. I no longer wanted him in my life. He hurt me incredibly.

But while I was in pain for a while, I got over that hurt. And now there’s just this gaping hole in my life where he used to be, one of my very best friends. Only, I’m sure I hurt him too. And I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and apologize for that. Because I don’t know that I’m sorry. I don’t know that I feel like I did anything wrong. Aside from mixing money with friendships.

And I don’t know why I’m ashamed to feel this way, but I am. I haven’t talked to SC about this at all. It’s not that I don’t want him to know, I just don’t know what is keeping me from saying it.

I guess a little bit of me is afraid to have friendships with guys. Especially guys that I’ve been with in a more-than-friendly way. Especially guys that I can’t be around without playfully flirting with. That’s the kind of friendship Eric and I have. We flirt. It’s been harmless 99% of the time. But it has caused some conflict in the past with other men and women we’ve dated.

SC knows Eric. We were dating when Eric lived here. He knows the story. He knows how we act to a degree, except he mostly knew us when we were fighting. And I’m sad that we ever acted like that. I’m sad that it’s the only side of Eric that SC knows. I think they might get along really well. I’m just so scared to mess up this amazing relationship I have in any way.¬†And I’m scared to say I’m sorry.

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